Soupernatural
by drowsyfantasy
Summary: What could happen to John and Chas in a supermarket?
1. Fresh Fruits, Breads, Vegetables

_Note: I own nothing related to Constantine or Hellblazer, etc. I wrote this for no particular good reason, I was just bitten by an evil plot bunnie while waiting for an important call so I couldn't use the internet. (Darn dial-up.) Chas drags John shopping for food at a local supermarket. What could happen? OH, YOU'LL SEE!_

_Soupernatural_

_Aisle One: Fresh Fruits, Breads, Vegetables._

John was facing down one of the most terrifying, disgusting enemies ever. It made him wince, it was so bright. It threatened to alter the very fabric of reality and destroy his way of life.

"Come ON!" Chas pulled him through the supermarket doors, cart in the other hand. "It won't KILL you to go shopping once in a while!"

John braced himself as the doors opened with an angry hiss, but they did no more than that. He opened an eye cautiously and saw Chas roll his eyes impatiently.

"C'mon, we've got to get some REAL food." he rubbed his hands together. "Chas the Amazing, will actually be able to COOK some food!" he cackled in a mock-evil way and pushed the cart towards the first aisle.

Some dull elevator-type music was playing over the intercom. Every so often it would change, to...play almost the same piece, over and over and over...

John was trapped in some nightmare of a store.

Chas looked around. There were so many wonderful things to get, so many wondeful food items to choose from. He almost felt like a little kid again, going shopping with his parents. As he picked through the vegetable bins to find the best choices for a salad, John wandered about, wishing desperately he could go outside and wait in the car. It was not like him at all to be afraid of anything, but this place, full of bright lights, cheerful people, canned music and -

"Why hello there, Johnny-boy."

He turned his jump into a whirl and fumbled for a weapon.

He had none.

He silently cursed Chas for making him leave all his protections at home.

Balthazar had a cart of his own which was full of fancy delicatessen things from the back of the store. French stick bread, garlic salts, odd-looking cheeses, hams and expensive looking mineral water bottles.

John raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here, you scum half-breed?"

Balthazar gave a little forward roll of his head and shoulders, his expression changing into a sly smile.

"I'm hosting a dinner party tonight, I thought I'd actually try shopping for a change." he raised an eyebrow. "And you?"

"John, why are you talking to him?" Chas said in a warning tone of voice, pushing him to the left with his cart. "That's the BAD guy...and we need bananas. I'm going to get some soup, you go get the fruit." and he pushed by them and was off.

John and Balthazar watched him speed off, feet on the bar over the wheels. John blinked. Balthazar actually broke out laughing, and put a hand on his forehead.

"That boy is just a big kid." he said, guiding John towards the bananas with his cart. As the still incredulous John picked through the yellow fruits, there was a yell and a clattering sound from the next aisle over.

Balthazar turned his head.

"I think Chas has found the soup." he said demurely, as John dropped the bananas and ran. He picked them up and followed John, chuckling all the way.

_End Part One._

Aisle Two: Soups, Crackers, Pre-packaged Meals _coming soon!_


	2. Soups, Crackers, PrePackaged Meals

_Note: I own nothing related to Constantine or Hellblazer, etc. Chas drags John shopping for food at a local supermarket. What could happen? OH, YOU'LL SEE!_

_Soupernatural_

_Aisle Two: Soups, Crackers, Pre-Packaged Meals_

When John rounded the bend with Balthazar and the cart hot on his heels, he discovered Chas buried up to his waist in soup cans. Evidently he'd dislodged the entire display, and as a result, was trapped in the mountain of Cream-Of-Mushroom and Chicken Noodle Soup containers.

Balthazar snickered as John waded through the mess to get to the still-stunned Chas.

"What were you thinking!" John hissed, trying to dislodge some of the smaller cans.

Chas grinned sheepishly. "I don't know." he said. "But the one on the bottom looked the best..."

Balthazar was clutching at his middle while laughing so hard he was bent over in a very human-like gesture. He was nearly howling with laughter at this point, and didn't notice when John chucked a can at him.

It hit him on top of his neatly coifed hairstyle, knocking him forwards into his cart.

"Ouch!"

John rolled his eyes and grabbed ahold of Chas' arm.

"C'mon, kid." he grunted and pulled up. Chas was lifted free of the cans and John slung him over his shoulders like he was carrying a sack of potatoes. With his other hand he pushed the cart (which had never been in the way) forwards and waded his way out of the canned mishap.

Balthazar was rubbing his head and scowling as John set a very giddy Chas down on his feet.

"You were carrying me, John!" he laughed.

"I know that." he growled, "I happen to be the one who was doing the carrying."

"That was fun, let's do it again!" Chas nearly giggled as he spoke.

John put a hand on his forehead. "Are you sure some of those cans didn't hit your head?"

"Nope!"

John sighed and pushed the cart past Balthazar, who was still snickering.

"..." Balthazar gave him a look and a wink as he walked by. "You are such a - "

"You are reading FAR too much into this, damnable half-breed." John said menacingly. (so are many Chastine fangirls, I think...)

"Oh am I?" Balthazar laughed, looking back at Chas who was struggling to keep up with their pace. The walk became a race and the two of them didn't look up until it was too late.

"Aie!"

They rocketed into another person this time, knocking her off her feet.

"Oh, we're so sorry ma'am..." Chas helped the little old lady up again.

"They're behaving very badly." she said, squinting at Balthazar, who was leaning on the handlbar, smiling sheepishly; and John, who just looked mad. "They must be punished!" she raised her cane and twirled it menacingly about.

John ducked just in time, but the cane hit Balthazar in the side of the head and knocked him sideways into the Kraft Dinner shelf.

"Yahhhh!" he exclaimed, as she continued to beat him with her cane, trying to push her off.

She managed to get in a few good whacks, then sniffed and strode off.

He shook his head and struggled to stand up. "Ugh..."

John laughed and smirked. "Serves you right."

The little old lady returned out of nowhere and hit John in the back of the head, pushing him into the half-breed, knocking the both of them back into the pile.

This time, it came down and buried them both underneath.

Chas yelped and jumped backwards, narrowly avoiding the downfall of boxes. They were stuck under nearly five hundred cases of Kraft Dinner.

"What a way to go..." he mused, and began to pick up boxes...

_End Part Two._

Aisle Three: Frozen Foods _coming soon!_


	3. Frozen Foods

_Note: I own nothing related to Constantine or Hellblazer, etc. Chas drags John shopping for food at a local supermarket. What could happen? OH, YOU'LL SEE!_

_Soupernatural_

_Aisle Three: Frozen Foods & Desserts_

John and Balthazar pushed their way up through the mound of boxes covering them.

"I don't know if the store's insurance covers this." Chas said nervously, tugging the now-uncovered John away from the pile. "C'mon, let's get moving."

They made their way swiftly to the next aisle.

It was cold, as cold as ice and worse. Frozen pieces of meat and slabs of fish lay on either side of John. He wrinkled his nose against the smell of the place and pressed firmly on Chas' shoulder to get him to move.

"What, don't like the smell?" Chas laughed. "This is great! Let's get some of these and these..." he dumped a bunch of things into the cart as John looked around for Balthazar.

The half-breed screetched around the corner with his cart, closely avoiding a raging store manager.

He leaned up against the barrier and let out a breath. "Yikes! I've never seen a human get so mad over groceries before..." he looked over at John. "Have you?"

John rolled his eyes.

"Stop following us, you damnable half-breed!"

"No." Balthazar quipped, smirking. He pushed his cart ahead and began poking through the frozen desserts.

Both he and Chas put their hand on the triple-layer-chocolate-fudge cake at the same time.

It was the last one.

Of course.

"It's mine!"

"No it's mine!"

John lifted the cake up over both of their heads.

"Not now, not here, not now." John growled, as they both struggled to get it from him.

Suddenly it was taken out of John's hands.

"Price check." said the store employee.

The three of them watched him walk away.

"Well, that was solved quickly." Balthazar quipped.

"Shut up, demon." Chas shoved him out of the way and went down the next aisle.

"If I can't buy a cake, I'll make one instead!" John heard him say.

John and the half-breed looked at each other.

Balthazar raised an eyebrow.

"Can he bake?"

"I don't think so..." John rushed down the aisle after Chas, and Balthazar followed, laughing the whole way.

_End Part Three. Sorry it's so short!_

Aisle Four: Cookies & Baking supplies _coming soon!_


	4. Cookies and Cakes

_Note: I own nothing related to Constantine or Hellblazer, etc. Chas drags John shopping for food at a local supermarket. What could happen? OH, YOU'LL SEE! Part Four of Five._

_Soupernatural_

_Aisle Four: Cookies & Baking Supplies_

John rushed down the aisle to find Chas digging through the cake-mix boxes.

"And just what," demanded John, "d'you think you're doing?"

"Finding us a cake mix." said Chas happily, holding up a box of mixture. John looked at the label:

_Angel Food Cake_.

Balthazar burst out laughing. John picked off another box from the shelf and hit the half-demon over the head with it. Then he dropped the box into Balthazar's cart.

Balthazar looked down at it.

_Devil's Food Cake_.

This brought on another burst of laughter from him, and Chas laughed as well.

John was not impressed.

"Would you two grow up?" he demanded. "It's not that funny!"

"On the contrary, Johnny-boy." said Balthazar, wiping a tear of mirth out of his eye, "it's so very funny!"

Chas backed up a bit. "We need cookies..." and off he went.

John and Balthazar followed him dutifully down the aisle. Soon they came up to a wall of shiny, bright-coloured packages. All kinds of cookies; chocolate chip, pecan crunch, Oreos, Chips Ahoy, tea buscuits, the boxes piled high in every direction.

John tilted his head back. It seemed to go on and on forever...

Chas tugged at his sleeve. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, what kinds should we get?"

John looked down to see Chas rubbing his hands together with a look of insane glee on his face.

"Oh, no. Just one box."

"One?" Chas said weakly.

"One." affirmed John.

Balthazar hummed as he plucked a box of Lemon Digestives off the shelf. Something for his coffee table...

"Fine." Chas huffed. He turned. "Which kind do you like?"

"Just get a box of chocolate chip cookies."

"Which brand?" Chas asked back, gesturing to the dozen-and-a-half different brands of cookies.

"Dear God." John put a hand on his forehead and smoothed back his hair. "Don't take all day, Chas, if you don't know, just pick one at random!"

Chas closed his eyes and put his hand out, grasping for...

"Just let me pick, all right?"

John strode up to the shelf and grabbed the nearest box of cookies. He looked at the box, then put in Chas' cart.

"Are we done now?" John asked, exasperated.

"Not quite yet." Chas noted, pointing at the cashier's box.

"We still have to pay for all of these groceries."

"You mean, you have to pay for all of these - " John looked over at Chas.

Chas had gone completely doe-eyed.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't tell me - " John stuttered.

Chas nodded, turning out his pockets. John could swear a moth fluttered out of one.

"Dammit, Chas..." he sighed. "All right, let's just go."

"I'm finished!" sang Balthazar happily, as he waved to them from the end of the line-up. "Come this way!"

John rolled his eyes and grabbed the cart.

_End Part Four_

Part Five: The Checkout Counter _coming soon_!


	5. The Checkout Counter and an Unexpected I...

_Note: I own nothing related to Constantine or Hellblazer, etc. Chas drags John shopping for food at a local supermarket. What could happen? Oh, you'll see! Part Five of Five. __

* * *

__Soupernatural_

_

* * *

__Part Five: The Checkout Counter and a Sudden Invitation..._

John pushed his way down the aisle towards the cash register. Lucky them, it was late and there was only one left open. And Balthazar was standing right at the end of the line.

"We meet again." the half-breed crowed, waving cheerfully and poking through the cart which John was unloading onto the conveyer belt.

"Let go of my stuff, you stupid idiot." Chas grabbed the box of cookies out of Balthazar's hands and put it back on the counter. Balthazar pouted, but put his items through the scanner without any further ado.

"That'll be fifty-nine oh-four." droned the cashier. Balthazar handed over, what looked to John, like an American Express Platinum card. The woman scanned it, Balthazar punched in some numbers, and glided away eagerly with his groceries.

John and Chas, however, came up short.

About five dollars too short.

The line-up was getting rowdy as Chas tried to decide what to put back.

Balthazar, rolling his eyes and trying hard not to explode with laughter, scooped up their groceries and handed the woman back his credit card.

"I'll pay for their things. They're...friends...of mine, a little down on their luck."

John was about to whack him over the head when he realized the demon was paying for next month's food.

So he folded his hands and stayed as calm as possible, though his eye twitched mightily.

The woman behind the cash didn't seem to mind, just added their total together and handed Balthazar back his credit card.

Chas hurriedly stuffed everything back into the cart, almost tripping over his own feet in his urge to get out.

"You were right, John." he said as they wheeled it back to the taxi. "The grocery store is a dangerous place!"

"I told you so."

Balthazar took this opportunity to come back towards them.

"Say, you two look particularly pathetic for cooks. Can either of you make anything that doesn't come in a box with instructions?"

John growled. Chas shrugged.

Balthazar laughed. "Come have dinner with us tonight. You'll just adore the guests…and my cook is simply the best…"

John looked at Chas, shaking his head vehemently.

"No."

Chas grinned, and nudged John in the side.

"No. Way."

"Oh, come on John!"

"Yes, come with us, Johnny-boy!" Balthazar cooed. "You'll have such fun!"

"No. Effing. Way."

* * *

"Oh, come on, John, this is actually kind of fun!" Chas chirruped, coming up to John, who was standing glumly in the corner. "And most of the people here are human, so it's not like they're all evil demons that need to be sent to Hell…"

"They're businessmen." growled John. "I don't see the difference."

"You're mean." sniffed Chas. "But this stuff is so rich! I love it!" he walked away, munching on some French loaf.

Balthazar sidled up to John, holding a plate of his own. "So…" he looked around. "Enjoying yourself?"  
"You're going to die, Balthazar. And you're going to die slowly, and painfully."

"Etch." said the demon. "At least I'm going to die on a full stomach. You haven't eaten anything all evening."

John sneered. "I don't trust you or your stupid food."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Look around you, you fool. No one else is getting sick. Why would I poison my co-workers, even if they are humans. No, you go ahead and eat. You may just enjoy it."

Balthazar walked away, chuckling to himself as John stood fuming in the corner.

Suddenly the lemon meringue pie, which until now had been sitting quite calmly on the table, was plucked from where it sat, and hit John in the face with a wet "splat".

John wiped away the cream slowly, rage in every barely-controlled movement. Balthazar was laughing, and John could see him through his red and yellow-cream haze…

"That will teach him to be such a party-pooper."

_He's going to _die_, and _I'm _going to _kill _him_. thought John. _But not just yet. He's going to suffer first…_

"Earth to John…why are you smiling like that?"

"Oh, no reason, Chas. No reason at all."

"Oh, good, 'cause I thought you'd forgotten that you're wearing that new, $500 shirt you bought last month…"

"_Balthazar! I'm gonna _kill _you_!"

_

* * *

__The End! _


End file.
